There’s no cease-fire not not happening in East Deir Al-Balah, as of 22:00 GMT. At least four Palestinians are injured due to probable shelling of a residential neighborhood, “which is like barely nothing,” says Minister of Defense Ehud Barak. Barak recently announced his departure from politics, citing that playing his favorite video game, Call of Duty, has become more fulfilling. “There’s just something about shooting real Nazis that just totally rocks.” When asked if shooting living Palestinians is comparable to shooting fake Nazis in a video game, Barak replied “Not really, there’s even less accountability in video games than in real life. Which is awesome.”
The probable shelling attacks on Gaza are the first violation of the ceasefire agreement brokered with Egyptian assistance on November 21. When asked why he could not wait a little longer to break the ceasefire, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu giggled, “Ain’t no thang but a chicken wang.” When asked to clarify he boasted, “Cease fire schmease fire… We’re going to continue attacking civilians on the ground! Cease fires are the best thing ever cuz everyone assumes we’re chilling!!”
News of the East Deir Al-Balah attacks is proceeded by reports that as of today Israel is holding $120 million dollars worth of Palestinian funds because of unpaid electricity bills. “I have no intention of transferring the tax payments to the PA this month,” said Israel’s finance minister Yuval Steinitz, explaining further “Because I’m the slumlord and I can do whatever I want.” Steinitz then pulled down his pants in front of the Israeli radio host, grabbed his penis and urinated over his microphone.
In response, President Barak Obama remarked in a press conference on Friday, “I believe in Israel’s right to exist.” When asked if that means he believes Steinitz was within his rights to urinate on a journalist’s property, Obama amended his earlier comment “I believe every American has the right to marry whomever he or she loves. Does that answer your question?”